BielemaWe like to call him "Bert" just because he looks like one and, well, because it's funny. But for accuracy's sake, if you type "Bret Bielema is a dick" into a Google search, you'll get back nearly 1,000,000 results in about a quarter of a second.

That many hits can't be wrong.

Bret Bert Bielema continued his journey into idiocracy this week by calling out Urban Meyer and his "illegal" recruiting tactics (according to Bielema, who wasn't willing to offer up more information on the claim). Here was his direct quote that capped off a pretty eventful National Signing Day:

"I hope (recruiting) doesn't change, I think the potential to change has been there. There was a few things that happened early on, that I made people aware of that I didn't want to see in this league, that I had seen take place in other leagues. Other recruiting tactics, other recruiting practices that are illegal.

"I was very up front and was very pointed to the fact, actually reached out to coach Meyer and shared my thoughts and concerns with him. The situation got rectified."

"Illlegal" is a pretty strong word when referring to recruiting tactics that are watched closely by the NCAA, not one that should be thrown around lightly. Of course Bert was unwilling to expand on his accusations beyond the quote above which begs the question, "do you really think something illegal has occurred, or are you just butt-hurt that Urban pulled a top three recruiting class that included former Badger verbal commit Kyle Dodson?" Ultimately we would prefer he not answer that question only because A: we're already pretty sure of the answer and B: as a general practice, we can't stand when he opens his mouth.

The most irritating portion of what was originally released from Bert's blow hole was that he claimed, "the situation got rectified," as if he was the good cop who corrected Meyer, and Meyer somehow heeded the warning and corrected whatever "illegal" action he had taken. If we've seen, heard or learned anything about Urban Meyer in his three months wearing Scarlet and Gray it's that he wouldn't heed to any warning shots from the windbreaker-wearing fatty in Madison.

When all is said and done, Bert was simply upset that Meyer flipped one of his prized verbal commits and he decided to vent to the media. You can't really blame him for getting his dauber down this week. After all he's now lost Dodson to Ohio State, numerous coaches from his staff to better jobs, his free agent quarterback Russell Wilson to graduation, the opportunity to snag Dayne Crist to Charlie Weis in Kansas, and back-to-back Rose Bowls. He's pissy and has given us all a front row seat with a view directly into his sad, bitter state of mind.

Bert is infamous for name-dropping his own legendary A.D. Barry Alvarez on any occasion. You can't hardly get through a Bielema presser, on any topic, without hearing a reference to former (great) coach Alvarez. This situation was no different. Bielema called on Alvarez to speak with B1G Commissioner Jim Delany about Meyer recruiting already-verballed commits. And his A.D.'s response?

"Recruiting is recruiting until they sign. If we had somebody who changed their mind and came to us, that's OK. Urban was very aggressive but there is no pact within the conference not to continue to recruit. Open season until they sign."

Thanks for the assist, Barry. Your head coach wins a lot of football games at Wisconsin, and he is a worthy predecessor to the program you built. But we know - that you know - that we know that you know - that Bert is a dick.

Former University of Minnesota head football coach Tim Brewster would also agree, especially after Bert went for two while up 41-16 on the Gophers with 6:49 left in the fourth quarter of a 2010 blowout. Bielema's defense? The "card" says to go for two when up by 25. Why do stupid people always chose to act like their audience is just as stupid? Brewster was having none of it.

"I thought it was a very poor decision by a head football coach and he'll have to live with that. It was wrong. Everybody in here knows it and everybody in college football knows it. It was wrong."

Former Hoosiers head coach Bill Lynch decided to take the high road after Bert's Badgers took Indiana behind the wood shed 83-20 just a few weeks after the Minnesota debacle.

"I've always felt it was our job to stop the team and play the game," Lynch said. "We didn't do that very well."

In the last two seasons, both ending in BCS losses for the Badgers, Bielema has ran up 60 or more points on lesser opponents on four occasions (70 each on Austin Peay and Northwestern, 62 on Purdue, and 83 more on Indiana). That doesn't include the 59 he put on South Dakota or Indiana in 2010. What he needs to realize is that Karma is indeed a bitch and Urban Meyer is no slouch when it comes to aiming his venom at folks when they cross him.

We should start with Meyer's response to Bert's accusations.

"You're pissed because we went after a committed guy? Guess what, we got 9 guys who better go do it again. Do it a little harder next time."

Urban then released this statement Friday afternoon from Chicago following the B1G Coaches' Meetings:

“I was pleased to take part in a productive, regularly scheduled meeting of the Big Ten Conference coaches today in Chicago. We had an opportunity to discuss a number of issues with each other and conference staff, including those that have arisen this week. It should be noted that my coaching staff is in full compliance with our recruiting efforts, and no one on this staff did anything illegal or unethical. We will continue to comply with NCAA rules and recruit with relentless effort, especially the great state of Ohio.

“I want to thank Commissioner Delany for his insight and leadership, and at this point we all look forward to moving past this week and getting ready for the start of spring football.”

AAATranslation? Bowl or no bowl - sanctions or otherwise - with or without a fourth quarter "Jump Around" - Bert and his Badgers are likely f*cked come the 17th of November 2012.

In a couple short months we've learned just how competitive Urban can be. You don't become the best coach in college football without that competitive edge and his recruiting resume speaks for itself. During this recruiting season, a shortened one for Urban and his new staff, we've seen him flip a recruit each from Wisconsin and Michigan State (yeah, D'Antonio isn't happy either, Bert), four from Penn State, and two more from Notre Dame.

The message? Urban didn't come to Ohio State to make friends or sign on to some "gentleman's agreement." He's here to win, which is what he gets paid to do, and he plans to do so. He's made no secret of that, even finishing his Schottenstein Center introduction with:

"In closing I just want you to know we're here for one purpose and one purpose only and that's to make the great state of Ohio very proud of your football team and you're coaching staff and we will get that done."

Whatever Bert Bielema gets in return for being the arrogant blow-hard that he is will be well deserved. Urban Meyer is as cocky as any head coach you'll find, but he backs it up and there always seems to be a football message behind each statement. On the other hand Bielema does more whining and "look at me! look at me!" than any coach I've seen. He gets a lot done on Saturdays, and that's undeniable.

But he's a dick.

Look no further than his statement made soon after the Penn State scandal broke.

"Guess it's a good time to be a Badger fan."

That's the response when a child sex abuse case comes to light at a rival university!? That statement alone, indicating exactly what kind of an idiot Bret Bielema is, speaks directly to the reasons it's never a good time to be a Badgers fan as long as Bert is wearing the headset.

Buckeye fans can't wait until Urban makes good on his promise to, "make us proud." If his recent comments are any indication, that really won't get started before a trip to Camp Randall Stadium this November. He may just make Tim Brewster proud in Madison as well. I'm pretty sure Urban's "card" doesn't say go for two as it relates to his new-found enemy Bret Bielema. It says to go for as many as you can get.

Oh, and lose the windbreaker you dick.


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